My son has learning and behavioral issues that have made school very difficult for him from preschool on. In the first grade, he would cry many nights before bed about how he felt he was a bad kid, how much he disliked school, and would repeatedly tell me about kids picking on him, one child in particular. He claimed that this child was trying to get him in trouble and that the child’s parents forbid him to play with my son because he was bad. Because my son racked up “checks” on almost daily basis and we had tried every behavior modification plan we could think of with only very temporary results, and because he himself seemed to be in conflict with someone most of the time, I didn’t take his complaint very seriously. I did speak with the principal about the issue and I came to the conclusion that my son was probably making excuses for his behavior.

Long story short, my son continued to be unsuccessful socially at school. By third grade, he had no friends. Though he was able to string together weeks without punishment (that I knewabout) at school, his reputation never changed. When he did have difficulties at school, though less often, it was more dramatic–true verbal or on a couple of occasions, physical confrontations with other children. I know most children in his class felt strongly that my son was a bully. My son certainly felt he was a bad kid. Our whole family was miserable. My son would tell me at times how other kids had “set him up”. He said no one believed him. He was right. I didn’t believe him, neither did the teacher or the principal or the lay workers in the school. He did discuss this some with his counselor, but she never discussed this with me.

Finally, though, I saw the truth with my own eyes. My son attended a birthday party that his whole class had been invited to. I was wary for him to go because I knew how many of the other kids felt about him by reports from the school. I knew they had reason to feel this way and I have to be honest that it at once broke my heart and embarrassed me. I felt powerless to change anything for him even though we as parents were trying everything we could think of. Parents were invited to stay, so I did, primarily to keep an eye on my son. At first it went well for him, he played tag with other kids on the lawn and they all seemed to be having a great time. To my utter shock, that all changed for my son when the child he had been claiming was picking on him arrived. Then the birthday boy’s attitude changed. My son began coming up to me during the party complaining that those two particular boys were picking on him. At one point he came to me with red marks on his neck, stating that the other boy would not leave him alone. So, I watched every move they made. My son was not lying. The other boy would come up to my son every so often and make snotty remarks. By this point, my son is absolutely miserable and making threats at the boys to me through his tears. I felt like going up to them and saying “just leave him alone, he came here to have fun, too.” I am ashamed that I didn’t. 

Being embarassed by son’s melt down and acutely aware that the adults running the party probably had no idea what was going on, I instructed my son to talk with the birthday child’s mother. I told him if she would not intervene then I would. He spoke with her as did her child who ran up after my son, but she was understandly busy and dismissed the issue. Now it was time for the party to change locations. I offered to follow the kids while they walked a short distance and the other adults drove the supplies to the new location. While heading over a few kids started running and one girl was knocked down. When I reached her to see if she was ok, she stated who had knocked her over. Since I had seen the accident happen, I knew it was not intentional. By the time we caught up with the rest of the group, the girls had settled themselves at one table and the boys at another. And to my surprise the child who had knocked the girl down was telling everyone that my son had done it. I stood there waiting for the girl who had told me that this particular boy had done it to speak up and correct him, but she said nothing. My son was saying “I didn’t do it!”. Finally, I confronted the boy who was lying, simply stating I saw what happened, you accidently knocked the girl over. Next the child whom had been picking on my son (the one my son claimed had been since first grade) during the party announced to everyone that all the boys should sit at the table, but my son and another child. Then he changed his mind and announced that all the boys could sit there, except my son. I couldn’t believe that this child was so bold as to exclude my child directly in front of me.

My son actually left to go help carry bags for the mothers who had just arrived. He managed to get one bag to the table, but on his second trip the birthday child took the bag out of his hands, and my son came back to the tables. Since the boys wouldn’t allow him to sit with them and the girls didn’t offer and I just stood there like a wimp, he sat at the table for the food. Another mother came up and told him he couldn’t sit there. He said he had to, that the boys would not let him sit with them. She turned to talk to the boys and I turned to look at my son. He was crying. No big melt down or angry words this time, just tears sliding down his face. Suddenly it hit me with full force that this was my son’s reality. This was his world. He had told me years ago that this was happening to him and I just didn’t get it. I was too worried about his own failings and how to fix them, that I didn’t really listen to my own kid. I started crying and could not stop. He and I walked toward our car and did not look back. Once in my car, we both cried some more. Bless his heart, the little boy who had lied about knocking the girl down, came running up, crying too, asking my son to come back. We just couldn’t. I took my son for ice cream since he didn’t get to stay at the party for cake.

I don’t know if I can forgive myself for failing to stick up for my child. I will always regret that I didn’t do more both when it first began in first grade, at that party, and all the times in between. I should have been his trusted adult that he could go to and I failed. I did talk to the principal that following Monday and he acknowledged that he knew this particular child was causing discord in the class, but since he was usually never caught in these types of behavior, he had not addressed the problem with the child or the family.

What I have learned from our experience is that bullying is a complex issue. It starts way earlier than any of us want to believe, and it is not always what it seems. Sometimes a bully might be obvious, sometimes he/she might be more skilled and able to fly under the radar. It is up to us as adults to listen to all kids and not dismiss them. Their problems, even at a young age, are very real and difficult to sort out. As parent, I will always regret my “wimpy” behavior and lack of understanding.